Tuesday, December 15, 2009

maybe its our time

So, I hate blogging.

Wait, what'd she say?
She said she hates blogging.
Oh no she didnt.

It's not true. I love my blog. When I first started this thing, it was just a way to keep friends and family up on the adoption process. I could not foresee what it would become. I could not foresee how it would be my connection to the most amazing, supportive group of women who are going through the same experiences as me. Truly, at times these women have been my lifeline.

But I hate blogging. No, I mean I hate writing. Like I told the beautiful, resilient Heidi, it makes me itch. When I sit down to write, I feel twitchy and itchy and fidgety. Like I want to crawl out of my skin. So I don't do it much. More often than not, I read the posts of my blog friends, and I live and breath through them. They say what I want to say, only so much better. But sometimes it all just wells up inside of me and if I don't write it down, I definitely will burst. I guess that's whats happening now. I know its bad when I don't remember a thing from the massage I just did because I was too busy composing in my head. It's time to sit in front of the computer and itch.

Yeah, all that was just exposition. Buckle your seatbelts, grab a cup of tea. It's gonna be a long one.

The last real post I did (I mean really real, with actual thoughts) was on September 26. One day before my 36th birthday, and almost exactly one month before our referral. It kinda seems like nine years ago. And it kinda seems like yesterday. What has happened in between then and now is so much. And yet I am still on the cusp of it all. My life really hasn't changed a bit. How do I explain it? How do I understand it, for myself? I still go to work with the same schedule I've always had. I still go out for a drink once a week with my buddies at the Sov. Matt and I are still living the life of a childless couple. We're kinda lazy. We let the dishes pile up. We should have gotten our stupid European washer/dryer repaired long ago. We should've already put the baby's room together. We should've gone to the dentist. But we're in our mid 30's, and though we wanted to start a family long ago, it still is as has always been. Just us living our lives.

So much is happening now. And I just don't really know what to do with it.

So ok, I'm gonna go metaphor now. Please bear with me.
I'm from New Orleans. I'm a Saints fan. If you are into NFL football, you know what I mean. If you are from New Orleans, you really know what I mean. If you are not a football fan, I apologize. I know you don't know what I am talking about, but just imagine how it is for me when people try to explain how exciting hockey is, or that New Moon thing. That's when you get the blank eyes from me.
Anyway, so I'm a Saints fan. The New Orleans Saints are losers. I mean, they always have been. From the beginning. Really, they're bad. There have been a couple of good seasons in there, but nothing that ever lasts. They have some of the worst luck of any professional sporting team. Is it because of Marie Laveau? Is it because the Superdome is built over a burial ground? We don't know. They've just always been that way. But oh, how the people of New Orleans love their Saints. The love is unending, undying, unflappable. Why do we love such a loser of a team? We love them for the dream. The hope. We've dreamt of it our whole lives. It's something we want so bad, it has at times been painful. The dream of seeing the team parade through the streets of New Orleans, Lombardi Trophy in hand. But really, that's for other towns. Not us. As much as we have wanted it, it has always been just out of reach.
But then, there's this year. The Saints are 13 and 0. They have yet to lose a game. They have played with so much talent, so much spirit, and so much good luck, it is insane. They are really, honestly, truly the complete team that we always dreamed of. They really seem like they are the ones to take us all the way. It seems like it is all really happening. Those dreams. They haven't come true yet. But it really seem like they are going to.

So I guess you can see where I am going. No, I don't think Matt and I are losers. But I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mom. From the beginning. I have dreamt of it. And then I was lucky enough to meet the love of my life. But we waited, because of course we were too young, too poor, lived in New York, we weren't ready. Then we moved to Chicago. We were ready, but there was nothin doin. We tried. Nothing happened. And yeah, there were times when I though, maybe that's for other people. Not me. Well, you know the rest.... It really is happening. I really am going to be a mom.

And its crazy that it is all happening at once. In any other year, this Saints thing, it would consume me. There is a part of me that is sad because I wish I could get more swept up in the frenzy. I wish I could be down there with my people, smiling at everyone you pass by on the street, and you all know why your smiling.

But there is this THING that is happening. I have seen the eyes of my daughter (and let me tell you, her eyes will blow you away.) This tiny little being, who has lost more in her 7 mos. than I have in my 36 years, is waiting for us to come swoop her up and be her loving forever family. She is depending on us. She need us. And I have no doubt in my mind that we can provide the love that she needs.

But I don't have her yet. And I don't know what to do with that. And the Saints haven't won anything yet. And I don't know what to do with that. And all of my best friends are going through some serious stuff right now, some of it great, some of it bad and some of it terrible, and I have not been very present in there lives because of the all-consuming nature of this. And I don't know what to do with that. And if I let myself, I would collapse into a puddle of tears and mush, but I am not ready. And I really don't know what to do with that.

So I just go about my life. On the cusp of everything about to change. Everything. Things I never really believed would happen. To be honest, I am still unsure if they will. It's hard to believe it sometimes. It really is.

The thing is, I'm ok. No, I'm great! I'm so excited I could pee my pants! But I'm also so frightened. I'm frightened of the normal "becoming a parent" stuff. And I'm frightened of going to Ethiopia. I'm frightened of the logistics of it all. And I'm frightened of what I will see, and how it will break my heart.

That's where I'm at. All over the place, and no idea what to do with it.

I love Drew Brees. He's the quarteback for the Saints. It's ok, Matt knows. He loves him too. Here's Drew speaking after the Saints completed a very improbable come-from-behind win over the Redskins. This is where I get the title of this post from. I really wanted to embed the video to the post but I just couldn't make it work, so I will quote and then provide a link to the video. Please watch it.

"I definitely believe in destiny, and I believe in karma and what goes around comes around," he says. "We have been on the other side of this deal probably too many times. Maybe it's our time that we start catching some of the breaks, and start being the team that wins them like this in the end."


I don't know if I believe in destiny or fate. But it sure sounds good when he says it. And maybe it is our time. Me and Matt. The Saints. New Orleans. My sister. My friends, those that I have had in my life forever and my newfound blogging sisters. All of us.

Our court date on Monday. Hopefully Monday is our time.


Rebecca said...

you are lovely when you are bloggy!!!
i am rooting for you!!! maybe i can holler at my twice dead great grandfather and get him to help out the team. is that morbid?

i have to start over and post again.

Rebecca said...

ok. here's the really realz ... this is the worst part. nothing in the wait can be worse than this ... nothing. i was a wreck. hopefully, you can use some of your healing powers and serenity to bring that inside and be calm. that didn't work so much for me.

there is nothing like this journey. nothing. you have to be strong and you have to let go. when you can't do this you have to reach out to us because honestly, nobody else really gets it. sorry- but i said for really realz.

i don't mean that other people can't be an awesome source of support because that's obviously not true. and the people that are reading this that are your people ... thank you for being there for my beautiful friend.
but this process is insane. hormones can fluctuate. breathing can be suspended. your heart want to burst with love while at the same time you are trying somehow to maintain sanity by keeping it buried a little bit or a lot a bit because of the horrible what ifs.

oh the what ifs you'll know. dr. seuss missed out on that one. where am i going with this?
i don't know. it's a freaking ardous journey. it is amazing and full of crazy turns and somehow with all of that going on you still have to be living in the moment, in your life that's already changed internally but not so externally.

you are amazing. you are my girl. you are going to make it through the craziness and a year from now or hopefully sooner we will be together with our girls and other's boys and we will just be normal people with kids ... without a clue, living each day, trying to figure out what it means to be an adult and a parent, much wiser, much kinder, with such wider and fuller hearts.

Heidi and Mark said...

Ah, but you see, when you do write it becomes totally worth the wait (and hopefully worth the itching and twitching too!). Love the Saints analogy, love the Drew Brees quote, especially love that it IS about to be your time, hopefully on all those levels! I also love your honesty and think it sounds like you are handling this very stressful, strange and wonderful time of change just beautifully. Hoping, hoping, hoping that Monday is your day!

And P.S. thanks for the shout out and for all your super nice comments! It helps :)


The Busters said...

Wow, that was quite a return to blogging post. Way to come back with a bang. I so appreciate your honesty and I am always a big fan of the sports analogies. :) What else can you do but just go about life as you would? It seems to me that is a healthy way to handle it. Cheering for you and for your Saints and sending lots and lots of love your way!!

Tam said...

You ladies, what in the world would I do without you? I love you all so much!

Tam and Kai - NYC said...

oh sheeesh. i'm always late to the posts! i don't think i get updates even tho i follow...hmmmm - another conversation for another time.

Tam - you underestimate your blogging skills. no reason for the itchies! you're a great writer.
this was so honest, raw and endearing. what a lovely post and a 'keeper' to share with your daughter down the line. you're going to make an amazing mom!
this must be one of the most difficult times in the wait and you're handling it like a trooper.

i follow soccer and don't have an nfl team. however, i will now be supporting The Saints whenever in the company of football fans. LOVE your analogy and passion!

i want so badly for monday to happen for you guys!!!
lots of positive peaceful thoughts being sent your way for monday! xo

Robyn said...

Oh, goodness. I'm with ya on not knowing what to do with all of this. I'm trying my hardest to compartmentalize my life into the 'here and now' and the 'what could be' and it's just not working for me.

Wishing you all the best on Monday!

Mike & Corrie said...

BEAUTIFUL! you did it! you said what all of us want to say and feel deep within!!! Thank you! for sharing your heart! love it!! thinking about you on Monday! can't wait!

Shawn said...

Geaux Saints! I didn't know you were a Who Dat fan! (LOL). Me too!! I 'll be home next week for Christmas, and I'm trying so hard to get some tiks to the game. We always go home for Christmas, and we always catch the Saints game! Man, if we win the Superbowl, we will party til next year! I just don't think folks understand what will happen in NOLA if the Saints win! We will be crazy people I tell ya!

In terms of your court date, I know just how you feel. The few days before are the craziest. I know I felt like a crazy woman. Didn't know if I was coming or going. Scared and excited. Happy and sad. It was a very schizophrenic time. I'm praying for you on Monday! There is light at the end of the tunnel, and you are almost there! The next thing you know, you will be running around like me, at the last minute trying to get stuff ready. I did relatively nothing before we passed court, and I'm paying for it now.

So start getting things ready for your baby! Your time is coming! I'll be checking in on Mon!

Maribeth said...

OK, so maybe it did take time to get this post it, but it was so worth it. Thank you so much for putting your thoughts into words so beautifully.

It is early morning in Addis now, and I am holding out hopes that this day will be the day for you guys! Please, oh please, let this be the day. All the best going your way.