So, I hate blogging.
Wait, what'd she say?
She said she hates blogging.
Oh no she didnt.
It's not true. I love my blog. When I first started this thing, it was just a way to keep friends and family up on the adoption process. I could not foresee what it would become. I could not foresee how it would be my connection to the most amazing, supportive group of women who are going through the same experiences as me. Truly, at times these women have been my lifeline.
But I hate blogging. No, I mean I hate writing. Like I told the beautiful, resilient Heidi, it makes me itch. When I sit down to write, I feel twitchy and itchy and fidgety. Like I want to crawl out of my skin. So I don't do it much. More often than not, I read the posts of my blog friends, and I live and breath through them. They say what I want to say, only so much better. But sometimes it all just wells up inside of me and if I don't write it down, I definitely will burst. I guess that's whats happening now. I know its bad when I don't remember a thing from the massage I just did because I was too busy composing in my head. It's time to sit in front of the computer and itch.
Yeah, all that was just exposition. Buckle your seatbelts, grab a cup of tea. It's gonna be a long one.
The last real post I did (I mean really real, with actual thoughts) was on September 26. One day before my 36th birthday, and almost exactly one month before our referral. It kinda seems like nine years ago. And it kinda seems like yesterday. What has happened in between then and now is so much. And yet I am still on the cusp of it all. My life really hasn't changed a bit. How do I explain it? How do I understand it, for myself? I still go to work with the same schedule I've always had. I still go out for a drink once a week with my buddies at the Sov. Matt and I are still living the life of a childless couple. We're kinda lazy. We let the dishes pile up. We should have gotten our stupid European washer/dryer repaired long ago. We should've already put the baby's room together. We should've gone to the dentist. But we're in our mid 30's, and though we wanted to start a family long ago, it still is as has always been. Just us living our lives.
So much is happening now. And I just don't really know what to do with it.
So ok, I'm gonna go metaphor now. Please bear with me.
I'm from New Orleans. I'm a Saints fan. If you are into NFL football, you know what I mean. If you are from New Orleans, you really know what I mean. If you are not a football fan, I apologize. I know you don't know what I am talking about, but just imagine how it is for me when people try to explain how exciting hockey is, or that New Moon thing. That's when you get the blank eyes from me.
Anyway, so I'm a Saints fan. The New Orleans Saints are losers. I mean, they always have been. From the beginning. Really, they're bad. There have been a couple of good seasons in there, but nothing that ever lasts. They have some of the worst luck of any professional sporting team. Is it because of Marie Laveau? Is it because the Superdome is built over a burial ground? We don't know. They've just always been that way. But oh, how the people of New Orleans love their Saints. The love is unending, undying, unflappable. Why do we love such a loser of a team? We love them for the dream. The hope. We've dreamt of it our whole lives. It's something we want so bad, it has at times been painful. The dream of seeing the team parade through the streets of New Orleans, Lombardi Trophy in hand. But really, that's for other towns. Not us. As much as we have wanted it, it has always been just out of reach.
But then, there's this year. The Saints are 13 and 0. They have yet to lose a game. They have played with so much talent, so much spirit, and so much good luck, it is insane. They are really, honestly, truly the complete team that we always dreamed of. They really seem like they are the ones to take us all the way. It seems like it is all really happening. Those dreams. They haven't come true yet. But it really seem like they are going to.
So I guess you can see where I am going. No, I don't think Matt and I are losers. But I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mom. From the beginning. I have dreamt of it. And then I was lucky enough to meet the love of my life. But we waited, because of course we were too young, too poor, lived in New York, we weren't ready. Then we moved to Chicago. We were ready, but there was nothin doin. We tried. Nothing happened. And yeah, there were times when I though, maybe that's for other people. Not me. Well, you know the rest.... It really is happening. I really am going to be a mom.
And its crazy that it is all happening at once. In any other year, this Saints thing, it would consume me. There is a part of me that is sad because I wish I could get more swept up in the frenzy. I wish I could be down there with my people, smiling at everyone you pass by on the street, and you all know why your smiling.
But there is this THING that is happening. I have seen the eyes of my daughter (and let me tell you, her eyes will blow you away.) This tiny little being, who has lost more in her 7 mos. than I have in my 36 years, is waiting for us to come swoop her up and be her loving forever family. She is depending on us. She need us. And I have no doubt in my mind that we can provide the love that she needs.
But I don't have her yet. And I don't know what to do with that. And the Saints haven't won anything yet. And I don't know what to do with that. And all of my best friends are going through some serious stuff right now, some of it great, some of it bad and some of it terrible, and I have not been very present in there lives because of the all-consuming nature of this. And I don't know what to do with that. And if I let myself, I would collapse into a puddle of tears and mush, but I am not ready. And I really don't know what to do with that.
So I just go about my life. On the cusp of everything about to change. Everything. Things I never really believed would happen. To be honest, I am still unsure if they will. It's hard to believe it sometimes. It really is.
The thing is, I'm ok. No, I'm great! I'm so excited I could pee my pants! But I'm also so frightened. I'm frightened of the normal "becoming a parent" stuff. And I'm frightened of going to Ethiopia. I'm frightened of the logistics of it all. And I'm frightened of what I will see, and how it will break my heart.
That's where I'm at. All over the place, and no idea what to do with it.
I love Drew Brees. He's the quarteback for the Saints. It's ok, Matt knows. He loves him too. Here's Drew speaking after the Saints completed a very improbable come-from-behind win over the Redskins. This is where I get the title of this post from. I really wanted to embed the video to the post but I just couldn't make it work, so I will quote and then provide a link to the video. Please watch it.
"I definitely believe in destiny, and I believe in karma and what goes around comes around," he says. "We have been on the other side of this deal probably too many times. Maybe it's our time that we start catching some of the breaks, and start being the team that wins them like this in the end."
I don't know if I believe in destiny or fate. But it sure sounds good when he says it. And maybe it is our time. Me and Matt. The Saints. New Orleans. My sister. My friends, those that I have had in my life forever and my newfound blogging sisters. All of us.
Our court date on Monday. Hopefully Monday is our time.
Training for Tomorrow
3 years ago